Bastard vs. Kraps: The War
|writer = |directed = |animate = |title card = |previous = "I'm a Rockstar, Smash My Clarinet" |next = "Fatrick the Rapper" }} "Bastard vs. Kraps: The War" is a Season 2 episode of Life in Bikini Bottom. It is rated PG-13 and C. Characters *Sheldon D. Bastard *ComputerBitch 5000 *Eugene F. Kraps *SpongeCock SquarePants *Shitward Testicles *Gory the Snail *Fatrick Star *Assy Cheeks *Pissing Pearl Synopsis Sheldon Bastard and The Krusty Kock Crew declare war after Mr. Kraps hasn't been giving him weed. Plot The episode starts with Sheldon D. Bastard masturbating in the Cum Bucket employee bathroom. ComputerBitch 5000 comes in and starts cussing him out, as Sheldon is wondering why she is in the men’s bathroom. CB5000 then accuses him of assuming her gender, so Sheldon just tells her to get the hell out so he can continue furiously masturbating and crying. CB5000 asks why he is doing this, and Sheldon sighs and confesses that the Krusty Kock hasn’t been supplying him enough weed. CB5000 tells him that he is pathetic, but Sheldon hears this as a motivational speech to get the weed from the Krusty Kock no matter what it takes. Our whole universe was in a G and PG state Then nearly fourteen billion years ago was inappropriate, wait Fatrick shit a stool, Shitward began to drool They invented crap that rules We built a great, great wall (we started cursing) Shit, titties bursting, unraveling the coercing This is Life in Bikini Bottom! PG-13! As CB5000 is bitching at Sheldon, he jumps out of the bathroom window he installed for looking at CB5000’s bathroom breaks. Right as he jumps out of the window, he realises that there is no way he will be able to get into the Krusty Kock… unless he makes a plan. Mr. Kraps sees Sheldon, but he is not making a plan, he is just furiously masturbating in the parking lot for the 13th time today. Kraps laughs and tells SpongeCock to get the weapons ready. Sheldon sees this and gets an even bigger erection. Kraps gets very weirded out, so he tells SpongeCock to go outside and squish him. As SpongeCock is outside, he sees Sheldon cussing him out. “What the hell! I was just walking out here to… uh… take out the trash!”, SpongeCock explains. Sheldon knows what’s really happening, though, because Kraps, like an absolute dumbass, left the window open. “You will pay for this! You’ll see.”, Sheldon screams, as he walks into the Cum Bucket. “CB5000, those assholes will pay for not supplying me with my weed!”, Sheldon says. He heads out with a ray gun to start fighting SpongeCock and the gang, as they all go at it. Kraps picks up an Ass Blaster 2000, and starts shooting Sheldon, but it is not working. That’s because Kraps is a cheapskate, and bought the lowest priced version on Amazon. He dials the phone, and calls Assy Cheeks, Pissing Pearl, Fatrick, Shitward Testicles, and Gory the Snail. They all gang up on Sheldon, and he cowers in fear. They all start blasting him with their lasers, and he gets burned to a crisp. They all think he is dead, but Gory, like a retard, slithers over him, and the snail slime rehydrates him. He begins to run back to the Cum Bucket. He barely manages to get through the door without being killed. When he finally gets in, he screams to CB5000, “Man, this weed battle is getting intense!”. CB5000 begins to get very annoyed, as she realises this whole ordeal was not because of the weed, but because of Sheldon masturbating in public and disturbing everyone. Sheldon does not listen to CB5000, and starts digging through all of the chum, dildos, and soiled Goofy Goober underwears until he finds a Dick Ray, for only the biggest dicks. He figures that this could easily wipe out the whole crew of retards that Kraps put together. To see if it actually works, and because he thinks CB5000 is a bitch, he tests it out on her, which does nothing because she is a computer, but it reflects off of her screen into Sheldon’s face, causing him to pass out, and get sent to the ER. CB5000 starts laughing, and grabs the gun. “I hate Sheldon, but the Krusty Kock crew are a bunch of dickbags, so I’ll finish them off for him,” she says. She goes out into the parking lot, which is where the crew is, and they all ask her where Sheldon is. She tells them that he isn’t important to the war anymore. She tells them to shoot her right in the screen. They all get very confused, as that is, well, retarded. “What the hell,” Kraps sighs, “Let’s do it.” They all begin shooting at her screen, and all of the laser beams start reflecting back into their faces. “We are all dumbasses.,” Fatrick says. Since Sheldon was unconscious, and the Krusty Kock crew was, too, technically it was CB5000, who won the war. In the end, the Krusty Kock crew disbanded right after the fight, because of Fatrick continuously soiling himself, Sheldon fully healed, and became a genius, but hit his head while masturbating in an elevator and became even more mentally retarded than he already was, and CB5000 went on to kill Sheldon in 2068, by squishing him with a double ended dildo. Trivia *This is Sheldon's second main appearance in a Life in Bikini Bottom episode. *This is ComputerBitch 5000 (CB5000's) first appearance in a Life in Bikini Bottom episode. *CB5000 is a parody of Karen. *This is the first episode solely written by SaiyanGokuDBZ. *According to wordcounter.net, the plot is: :*815 words. :*4,528 characters. :*40 sentences. :*12 paragraphs. :*11th-12th grade reading level. :*2 minutes, 58 seconds reading time. :*4 minutes, 32 seconds speaking time. :*"Sheldon" is used more than any other word. Category:Life in Bikini Bottom Category:DanzxvFan8275 Category:Episodes Category:Season Premiere Category:SaiyanGokuDBZ Category:Episodes written by SaiyanGokuDBZ Category:Rocky Lobster Category:Life in Bikini Bottom episodes Category:Spectromite Entertainment Category:UltraFuse Category:Episodes directed by DanzxvFan8275